A New Outlook – My Testimony

A New Outlook – My Testimony

Senior Bishop Smith

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, but acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path”…….

For the last few months, I have been in a state of pain, confusion, disappointments, and anger, why you may ask? Because 2021 has been a year I begin to lose those I love. I have attended 4 funerals this year, and each one has been people whom I love dearly, and who has been my motivational process to change my life when others didn’t want to even know me or would think I could change my life.

Losing them caused me so much pain, and it was if they was saying goodbye back to back, and before I knew it, I begin to feel alone, as if no one truly cared about what I was now facing. I would talk to people about how I was feeling, and without any doubt the conversation would change to me now helping them, counseling them, and even help them through their pain and grief.

I felt like my pain didn’t mean anything, I was there to help them, not to obtain help or comfort. Now you may say, but you are a man of God, you should feel that way or allow pain to detour you on a different path, but what people refuse to understand is that men and women who in leadership for the Kingdom of God, also feel pain, discomfort and mistrust, we have days when it seems we are so busy helping others, we have forgotten what it is to help ourselves when we feel pain. I begin to pray about it, and I found myself stepping back from many people, even my duties as a minister of God. Before I knew it, I found myself in a state of true darkness, trying to find away out, seeking a listen ear, a helping hand, a moment of peace, and yet it never came my way.

One day, I just couldn’t face this dark room and I just closed from everyone, and begin to set alone so I could some how understand why I was going through all this, why was God allowing me to face these trials and tribulations? After all I have been through in this life, why was I being left to my own destruction? For weeks, I would just go to work, and come back home, and find me a quiet place just to think, to recognize the purpose of all this, and maybe begin to see the value of what I was now going through.

One night, I couldn’t hold it any longer, all the pain, fear, discomfort and confusion begin flow from my tears. I couldn’t stop crying, so I just let it all out not holding anything back, and allowing my voice share what I was feeling to God as if he was sitting right in front of me. I needed to truly tell him how I was feeling, and why? I needed some answers to what was taken place and why he has chosen me to be that person who should carry this burden. I don’t even remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, I felt better, that dark feeling was gone, that anger, and discomfort had fade away, and it was if the words of Proverbs spoke loudly and clear within my mind.

I knew then that it was ok to feel pain, to shade a tear, to be mad or even questions the what I was feeling, and ask God why? I knew it was ok to sit back and focus on those I have loved and lost, and know that they are now angels watching over me, and will always be there when I need to talk. My break through begin to clear out those unreasonable dreams and false actions within me, and I begin to rebuild my emotional stages by actually accepting the facts I am only human and God would not allow me to face so much pain . He was there all the time, but I had to ask him to come forth, to show me what I need to do.

We all will face pain, we all will go through moments when you just don’t understand and feel the need to walk away from faith, but it is the actions of our faith that will grant us the light we need to truly see the truth and to know we are not alone. It is ok to ask God to take away your burdens, but you must tell him which one, because they are all not the same.

My life will never be the same without those who I love and have return home to the Kingdom of God, but yet I know they found joy and comfort while on this earth, and was able to see all that they had done truly changed my life for the better. I thank them all, and I thank God for allowing them to have been apart of my life, as I was a part of theirs.

I come to realize my life journey isn’t for my own liking, but for the glory of God and to be a light of Christ mercy and love.



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