A New Outlook – My Testimony

A New Outlook – My Testimony

Senior Bishop Smith

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, but acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path”…….

For the last few months, I have been in a state of pain, confusion, disappointments, and anger, why you may ask? Because 2021 seem to be the year in which I will truly know and face my deepest fears and pain. It was the year, in which I could no longer hide or run from the actions of pain & misery. I have attended 4 funerals that year, but the most painful one’s was saying goodbye to those I loved deeply and honored, from the soft touch of my mother, to inspiring words of my uncle, the uplifting prayers of my aunts, to finally accepting the truth of loneliness.

To hear those you love have given up on you to trying to find the answers to fix the problems in your life, to holding out your hand hoping and praying someone will grab it and say you can do this, to actually seeing only an empty hand and false hope and no love at all. And yet the truth comes out that you can’t blame anyone but yourself, for the life you lived was the foundation that placed you in this mirror of today, no matter how you much you think you have changed, it is the true fact that change only matters when you truly understand the pain you cause and the forgiveness you are seeking, and the ability to accept the outcome and yet continue to move forward to show others you have changed.

I have been traveling a very dark and empty road, a path of confusion because I find myself to afraid to look at my past, to much pain to remember to many tears to shade alone. I know the true meaning of love and lost, the conditions to hold on, even when you know you must let go, to seek out those who once loved you dearly, and yet they are no longer there. Its only a memory to keeps you in a state of motivation in order to get up the next day. 

You cannot imagine how much pain I felt, losing them caused me so much pain, and it was if they were saying goodbye back to back, and before I knew it, I realized I was totally alone, as if no one truly cared about what I was now facing. I would talk to people about how I was feeling, and yet the conversation would either turn into an argument or it would be a conversation dealing with their struggles and pain. 

I felt like my pain didn’t mean anything, I was there to help them, not to obtain help or comfort. Now you may say, but you are a man of God, you should feel that way or allow pain to detour you on a different path, but what people refuse to understand is that men and women who in leadership for the Kingdom of God, also feel pain, discomfort and mistrust, we have days when it seems we are so busy helping others, we have forgotten what it is to help ourselves when we feel pain. I begin to pray about it, and I found myself stepping back from the church, from my family, my children, and even the few friends I have. I placed my duties as a minister of God on hold because I just couldn’t pretend or cover up how I really was feeling.

Before I knew it, I found myself in a state of true darkness, trying to find a way out, asking God not to wake me up in the morning, having dreams of death, vanishing from the earth, I just couldn’t find peace anymore, every day was just another day I felt the need to end it all, to finally stop this madness before it turn into something destructive. 

A few days ago, I realized what date it was, it came so dam fast, a year, I buried my best friend, my prayer warrior, my counselor, my true love, my MOM! I just couldn’t face this dark moment and I just found myself setting in my small basement office, trying to understand why was I going through all this, why was God allowing me to face these trials and tribulations? After all I have been through in this life, why was I being left to my own destruction? For months, I would just go to work, and come back home, and find me a quiet place just to think, to recognize the purpose of all this, and maybe begin to see the value of what I was now going through.

That one night, I couldn’t hold it any longer, all the pain, fear, discomfort and confusion begin flow from my soul forming into a scream I have never heard before, and yet couldn’t believe it was coming out of me, the flow of tears filled with so much anger, hate, confusion, sadness and questions. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, so I just let it all out not holding anything back and allowing my voice to share what I was feeling to God as if he was sitting right in front of me. One minute I was yelling, screaming, telling him what he has done to me, I needed to truly tell him how I was feeling, and why? I needed some answers to what was taken place and why he has chosen me to be that person who should carry this burden. Why in the hell did he take the only person who truly loved and believed in me no matter what I had done in life! Dam it, I needed him to tell me the dam truth!

I was determining not to allow him to give me some biblical answer or a statement it is a part of life, or some type of pimp lie “We are Born to Die”….

I was finally letting it all out, I was finally accepting the truth, I was finally letting go, but never saying goodbye to those I love so much…… I don’t even remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, I set with my back against the wall, and it was if I felt my mom holding me, and I swore I could hear her voice saying: “I always told you that one day you will know why mom loved you so much, why I did my best to give you what you needed not what you wanted, now I need you to get up and do the same for the gifts God has given you”.

That dark feeling was gone, that anger, and discomfort had fade away, and it was if the words of Proverbs spoke loudly and clear within my mind.

I knew then that it was ok to feel pain, to shade a tear, to be mad or even questions how you feel and ask God why? I knew it was ok to sit back and focus on those I have loved and lost and know that they are now angels watching over me and will always be there when I need to talk. My breakthrough begins to clear out those unreasonable thoughts and false actions within me, and I begin to rebuild my emotional stages by actually accepting the facts I am only human, and God would not allow me to face so much pain without a purpose. He was there all the time, but I had to ask him to come forth, to show me what I needed to do.

We all will face pain, we all will go through moments when you just don’t understand and feel the need to walk away from faith, to close yourself off from those who love, but it is the actions of our faith that will grant us the light we need to truly see the truth and to know we are not alone. It is the love of those who are still with us that will continue to give you strength to move forward. It is ok to ask God to take away your burdens, but first you must tell him which one, because they are all not the same.

My life will never be the same without those who I loved and have return home to the Kingdom of God, but yet I know they found joy and comfort while on this earth and was able to see all that they had done truly changed my life for the better. I thank them all, and I thank God for allowing them to have been a part of my life, as I was a part of theirs. I’m not perfect, I shall make mistakes, but it is how you fix those mistakes that determine the outcome.

In other words, from the words of Momma Doris ” Don’t just talk about it – Be about It”

 

I come to realize my life journey isn’t for my own liking, but for the glory of God and to be a light of Christ mercy and love.

The BISHOP 

I ACCEPT MY CALLING – I WALK IN FAITH

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